Interoffice Memo

To: All Employees
From: Human Resources Director
Subject: Excessive Absences

Due to the excessive number of absenses from the office, the following rules and procedures will be put into effect beginning immediately.

No excuse; we will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof, as we believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Leaves of Absence (for an operation)
We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation as we believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and you should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.

Death (other than your own)
This is no excuse. There is nothing you can do for them and we are sure that someone else with a lessor position can tend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to let you off one hour early, provided that your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.

Death (your own)
This will be accepted as an excuse but we would like a two week notice, as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.

Also, entirely too much time is spent in the restroom. In the future we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names beginning with "A" will go from 8:00 to 8:15, "B" will go from 8:15 to 8:30 and so on. If you are unable to go at your appointed time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again.

Adam Sandler