Everything you need to know about Marriage and Weddings

Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifiers: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".

Marriage is the only lottery where you continue to pay for your ticket after yo have failed to win a prize.

Marriage is a feast where the grace is better than the meal.

Then there is the old classic:-
"On this night, remember the words of Churchill. It shall be long, it shall be hard and there shall be no withdrawal!"

Q. Why should a honeymoon only be six days?
A. Because seven days makes a whole week.

The wedding night should be like a good chicken meal

I was engaged myself once. To a contortionist. But she broke it off.

Go west young man, get up the Darling as far as you can.

And the story of the man who called his son Vendetta, because he always had it in for him...

Treat the Bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500.

Forecast for Wedding...

Love is a thousand miles long but comes in six inch instalments.

Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and She'll last for many years.

If you don't want the Stork to come, Shoot in the air.

Hope you honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, One long hard route.

Don't go on your honeymoon for longer than 5 days, or you will get a Weak End.

Dont keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to the woman next door.

Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whisky makes you Frisky, but its a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant.

Your TV viewing on your wedding night will be...

    Firstly, The Marriage Game,
    Followed by, Great Temptation,
    The Untouchables,
    Mission Impossible,
    The Time is Right,
    Rawhide and Bonanza.

Advice to submariners - if torpedo overheats, load tube, go deep and eject.

May the Blue bird of happiness crap all over your wedding cake.

The bride and groom arrive at the honeymoon motel and the groom undressing throws his pants to his wife and says
    Put these on

    'I can't wear those' she replies.

    'That's right he says. And I'll trust you to remember that I'm the one who wears the pants in this family'

The wife is a little surprised by this but passes it off. A little later after she has beautified herself and slipped into her evening attire she returns from the bathroom to see her husband in bed. Slipping her panties off and throwing them to her husband she says

    'Put those on'

    'There no way I'd get into those' he states

    'That's right' she follows, 'and if you don't change your attitude you never will'

Adam Sandler