How To Kill A West Virginia Eel

Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age, rather curious. He ad been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from the older boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtain one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. So he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mom.

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while; then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick, because she started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put is hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would; except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

"I guess he was getting sick too because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time she got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever 'cause sis told him she felt really hot.

"Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten inside him somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, HONEST! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

"When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open. She started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen. I should tell her about the ones down at the lake.

"Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel.

"The eel put up a heck of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost tipped the couch over. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.

"After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up and, sure enough, they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out.

"Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle but they went back to courting anyhow. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are just like cats -- they have nine lives or something.

"This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about a 15 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time 'cause I saw sis' boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet"

Adam Sandler